A Mother’s Letter to My White Friends

Can you see my son Dylan?? Can you see him? The big brown eyes, the bright smile, the cheek bones & rich brown skin… that’s all I see, when I look at Ahmaud Arbury. I can’t help but see my son Dylan…I have been trying to contain my emotions all week. I didn’t want my boys to see me upset because certainly they’re too young to understand why. I was still trying to be productive and get work done but under the surface of it all was this pain. This terribly deep hurt and exhaustible pain. And Friday, which was supposed to be Ahmaud’s 26th birthday, I lost it. I broke down and wept uncontrollably in my kitchen halfway through an attempt to cook dinner…

I know many of my white family and friends love my family and our adorable precious sons. They are truly gifts from God but I need you to understand (and hope you’ll continue to read this) that there’s a burden for mothers of little black boys that is unique to us….We face a reality that requires us to raise them to be *extremely* polite, *extremely* hard working, *excellent* in academic endeavors because anything less than the *exceptional profile (read: Barack Obama or Oprah Winfrey) may mean missed opportunities or worse, responses that wrongfully punish them because of the biases that exist. We are constantly working uphill against the pre-existing stereotypes and systemic racism in our country. We have to work to prove that we’re good, that our lives our valuable, that we deserve justice (#guiltytilproveninnocent) And THAT alone is exhausting…And then on top of all of that, when we do “everything right” by raising fine, upstanding citizens to still have them get gunned down by racist A-holes anyway—it’s almost enough to break you…the idea of it literally haunts me at night.

You may say “Liz, but your husband is a sharp guy, you’re a good family, your boys are “good” people”. And I ask, what happens when they grow up and they’re no longer cute little babies? What about when they’re teenagers in a neighborhood or community that’s new to them? What if as young college students they go for a jog by themselves? Or they simply wear a hoodie sweatshirt? What if the person who pulls them over doesn’t know they’re professionals and men of faith who serve their community? At the end of the day, their character, excellent grades, good behavior will not matter because what people see FIRST is that they’re black males.

So if we don’t ALL speak up against these inhumanities NOW. If we don’t ALL require justice NOW. IF we don’t ALL demand change from lawmakers and administrations NOW. Then my sons, my husband and other people of color are still at risk everyday.
Remember, Ahmaud was once a cute”baby Dylan” too. Please! Please, please please let’s make sure my baby Dylan (or David) doesn’t become an “Ahmaud.”

“What can I do to help?”

I’ve had several (white) friends reach out to me and ask what they can do. I’m grateful that they’re concern is looking to go beyond words into action. So, here are some suggestions that my husband and I put together that would be helpful steps from our white allies.

• Speak up! When incidents occur, be vocal about your compassion, concern, and rage. Do this on social media platforms and directly to your friends and colleagues of color. This helps emotionally to know we’re not alone in our outrage. More importantly, your voice helps to amplify the concerns of injustice beyond the black community. Social injustice isn’t a black problem, it’s a humanity problem.
• Contact people in power Make it known that all citizens care about racial injustice.
  • Call both your local state rep & senator and ask them “are there laws in place that protect minorities in incidents of racial profiling?” “Are there laws that properly penalize those who commit hate crimes?” Ask them “what is their office doing to protect minorities from hate crimes?”
    Attend local and state political debates and ask your elected officials: ” What are your plans on elevating racially biased incidents with law enforcement or citizens arrest to hate crimes? Will you support laws that will automatically initiate a DOJ federal investigation if bias is suspected?”
  • Call local police departments & district attorney (DA is really important) and find out what the engagement policies are. Ask are there any provisions or training in place to reduce implicit bias? Are they/will they do community events to educate and connect with the communities they swear to protect, including low-income or minority communities.
  • Contact a local civil rights advocacy group and get involved.
• Register to vote and encourage others to do so:
  Direct link to register to vote here